Some of you may be aware that I live in Australia and am Australian. But enough of my life story…

 

I am aware (all this awareness is alarming…) that many of you may not have been to Australia before and that some are deluded enough to think we live in small rural towns and ride kangaroos and Dingoes…….. I can assure you only in remote areas of Tasmania does that still happen….

 

This being the case, I have decided to give you lot a starters guide to Australia. Think a travel guide, but less well informed……

 

Introduction:

Despite Australia being a relatively young nation, we are rich in history, but don’t hold that against us. We are famous for our great bush image, something that has fueled our tourism for a long time… and don’t worry, there are very few people in Australia like Steve Irwin (contrary to popular belief it is not a custom to dangle your baby in front of crocodiles……its dingoes…).

 

We have food, so that’s good. We have stupid politicians and boring towns (I’d avoid Canberra if I was you), just like anywhere else… We are fast becoming the world’s greatest wine producers, so it is no surprise that we get lots of French sissies coming here….

 

Nowhere else in the world sells Kangaroo meat, (except parts of Asia, but one should be careful as it is often substituted for canine meat…), which is a really good thing. It tastes like crap, if the smell doesn’t put you off, the fact that it was probably killed by a dog on a farm, then carved up and packaged might…..

 

Best Places to visit….

 

Go for somewhere like the gold-coast and waste money at Warner Bros Movie World (where the greatest attractions are the Police Academy stunt show and a retard dressed as Batman…).

 

Brisbane is good, but a little boring. Broome is good, full of beaches and camels…. Perth is an excellent choice and is on the worlds most desirable place to live list. (although its ranking escapes me….)

 

Worst Places to visit….

Avoid Glenrowan. Home of famous Australian icon, Bush Ranger Ned Kelly. Perhaps the most boring town in the world. Also avoid anywhere that says “Rolf Harris Museum”, you’ll thank me later….

 

Melbourne and Sydney are beautiful places that should be avoided. Probably because they are over-rated and are very likely places for terrorist attacks.

 

If you wish to visit a place where the weather is variable at all times and where there’s a chance of being blown away, then head to Darwin.

 

Cape town is another bad place. Its not in Australia, I just thought I should mention it….

 

Best times to visit

Summer……well that was easy…oh you want specific information….ok…

 

Well yes summer is the best, that’s when the weather is good, and there are trillions of music festivals everywhere. So be prepared to bring loads of money for the admission costs…

 

Best places to go for food

I can assure you that a McDonalds, K.FC or Subway will pop up about every 600 metres…

 

Oh and Restaurants are always good places to visit too…

 

Things to do…

There are bush walks and all  that crap, but really…who wants to go and eat tasteless dough called ‘DAMPER’ and eat grubs???

 

I suggest seeing the sites, and going to the beach (but beware of shark attacks… and Jehovah witness’s)

 

You could also watch TV, as im sure that you will find loads and loads of American/British shows that we buy and stick on the TV instead of making quality shows our selves….so you won’t ever be homesick..

 

Crime

This is a problem, drive by shootings have increased alarmingly, with the whole of Queensland being put under Marshall law recently….just kidding… nah, except for some racially motivated violence and riots, Australia is a safe country……perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that…

 

By the way, if you are of Lebanese, Muslim or Asian descent, It would be wiser to go to New Zealand for awhile..

 

Key Terms

G’DAY MATE – Good Day Sir/Madam..

SHEILA – a woman….

BLOKE- a man….

JIMBAROO – A word that is used to take the piss out of tourists and to confuse them, for example when tourists ask something like for instance, “have you got a toilet?”, the Australian will stare, then the tourist will  go and point at the toilet, and the aussies will say “uhh…..toilet…nah….in OZ We call ‘em Jimbaroo’s!” Later on the tourist will start referring to toilets as Jimbaroo’s and be humiliated…it’s a long drawn out process, but extremely worthwhile..

JABAWOCKIE – No one actually knows what this word truly means….

TINNIE – Can of beer.

STRUTH – ‘bloody hell’ or ‘your joking…..’

‘STONE THE FLAMING CROWS’ – Only used by Alf Stewart off ‘Home and Away’, avoid using it as you will look like a dickhead…

‘SHIVER ME TIMBERS’ – This phrase isn’t Australian, although I thought it would be funny…

 

How to get there

A plane or a boat. Or if you are interested in staying for a long time you can fork out $35 000 to be cramped in a boat with hundreds of other people for three months and travel to Australia without having to go through customs. This also includes a minimum 3 year stay at a detention centre while you wait for your permanent residence visa  application to be rejected…

 

Music

Be warned, Australian music is a fickle thing. It can produce quality bands, and some awful bands. Some really awful bands. Speaking of which, the nauseating Missy Higgins is from Australia and should be avoided at all costs. Her album comes with the sticker that says “Hearing Protection to be worn’….

 

For quality music see bands like JET, which have been likened to the Rolling Stones . But if you like your music to be like cats screaming, then by all means listen to Missy…

 

Films

We have films, like WOLF CREEK which depicts the murders of tourists in the outback…. Hmm… maybe not…

 

Also we have other films so arty and boring that you wished you were being murdered in the outback…

 

So with this basic guide, I hope that you see Australia in a whole new light….

 

(The BFC Blog would like to remind people that this guide should not be taken literally, and if done so could result in a lengthy prison sentence….for me…. The BFC blog refuses to Apologize to Missy Higgins, who deserves everything she gets…)