Now, you may not know this but I was a bodyguard for the stars. Don’t laugh its true. You may think “he’s little, scrawny and weak”, but within conceals a man of steel.

It all started last year when, upon learning that Chuck Norris would be down in Australia, I decided to go and learn from this martial arts master. You know it’s a well known fact that Chuck’s tears can cure cancer, unfortunately though he has never cried in his life.

I was taught by Chuck for 3 months, until my cheque bounced and I ran away. But I felt that I was ready to begin the path to greatness….

Chuck and I a few minutes before he learned the cheque bounced….

So with my new skills I decided to become a bodyguard to the stars. But you have to start small. I was hired by some schlep of an actor, to protect him from his ‘fans’ (I use that term loosely..) . I have no idea who this guy was…

Some Schlep…

But luckily for me, this guy was so hated that an assassination attempt was made on his life. I had no compulsion to take the bullet for him, so I decided to throw a chair at him, pushing him out of the way of the oncoming bullet. After he regained consciousness he thanked me and said he would pass my name on…

Then I got hired by Brad and Angie, and I followed them around for awhile, but the whole thing bored me to death. No assassinations, no kidnappings, just them walking around. So I quit, and I vowed to myself that this would never happen again.

Brad and Angelina: No assassinations….just walking….

I was then hired by George Clooney, and I decided that I wouldn’t even let photographers near him.  I meant business.

Mate…put the camera down…..mate….dont make me hurt you…

I was his bodyguard during the shooting of Ocean’s Twelve. I was out near his limo, when Julia Roberts had to run from the set to her car. An Asian tourist tried to take a photo; needless to say it’s the last photo he’s ever going to take….

Yeah, yeah Mate it’s the Wiggles…….Mate I want to see a security pass….

While Anthony and Murray were eating some food, and Greg was trying to wake Jeff up, I decided to go into the winner’s tent, to look for some more work. It was in there that I met Missy Higgins. We had some words, and a photographer just happened to take a picture of this argument.

“Best Artist my ARSE!!!”

Now my image was shattered, the Wiggles had to keep up appearances and so had to let me go. Not before I stole the big red car and went for a joyride though…

Now I am retired. My bodyguard days are behind me. These day’s I spend time writing children’s fiction (The Elephant man goes to the Plastic Surgeon) and avoiding Chuck Norris. But i am still available for any celebrities (A-list and B-List, no C-lists)....