The Chinese Government are perhaps the most human of all governments. What I mean by that is that they just do whatever the have to do...and bugger the consequences..….

 

Take conservation for example. The Yangtze River is a disgusting annoyance for the Chinese Government. Yes it is one of the longest rivers in the world and home to a number of beautiful aquatic creatures, but all that was getting in the way of the proposed construction of the, frankly amazingly large Yangtze Dam. Environmental Advocates everywhere fainted.

 

Now, a similar thing was happening in Australia, the planned construction of a resort on the Ningaloo Reef. All the environmental types had to produce was a few turtles living in the area and that was that. The resort plans were shredded into confetti, and used by everyone at the resultant parade.

So, using the same technique, some environmental advocates decided to produce a dolphin and say “Ah well, dolphins live here, the dam could harm them, I’m afraid you know what you have to do..”…. Indeed the Government did know.... They Shot them.

 

Case closed. Dolphins dead, Dam goes ahead.

"Flipper Never saw it coming..."

Tibetan Monks? Old bald blokes chanting about peace? Not in the eyes of the Chinese Government. The Dalai Lama? Terrorist. What do you do with terrorists? I don’t know…. The Chinese thought maybe setting them on fire would be good. So they Did.

 

The Chinese government’s logic determined that these talks about Peace were actually about Warmongering.  

 

Peace leads to Fun. Fun leads to Merriment. Merriment leads to Hijinks, Hijinks leads to Criminal Behavior, and Criminal Behavior leads to war. A rather convoluted, but ultimately satisfying equation for the Chinese Government.

"China's new praying laws. Must be accompanied by severe bashing and tear gas. Failure to do so will result in severe bashing and tear gas"

So, in the eyes of the Chinese Government, everybody needs to be controlled for there own safety, none of this free will, let peace be the answer clap trap. If everyone is depressed, they won’t feel like doing anything, and no one will rock the boat.

 

Case Closed. Fun dead, the maintained order of things goes ahead.

 

Now, this is a little extreme, but it is perhaps, the best example of what it means to be human. A real human, none of this pearly white teeth, kabala loving stuff…

 

A human’s sole responsibility in life is there own and (to a lesser extant) there immediate families well being. So, they will do whatever it takes to make sure that nothing upsets that, …. So, using that analogy, you start to see how all of china’s actions make sense to china.

The Human is the government, and his immediate family is china. They need a dam. I don’t know why, but they need one. But there are these bloody dolphins, threatening they’re family…. So….you do what you have to do…..eradicate Flipper.

 

But, unfortunately, for that analogy to truly work, everybody would have to be willing to kill a dolphin and set fire to old bald blokes in sandals, and seeing as how people don’t even like to smack children anymore, shooting a dolphin is perhaps a tad unlikely........

"Dolphins are safe.... For Now.."

The Bfc Blog has, for the third time won JOTW.

I mean, the first one i put down to a slow week, while the second was obviously some clerical error...but a third?

Especially to win after a few weeks back on the scene (if you notice there is a considerable gap between the second and third posts..)

Oh well..... So, to newcomers, a big "took you long enough to visit you bastards" welcome....

May i suggest some other links you may enjoy??

No?......well...i'll do it anyway..

Ostrobogulous : A very funny, yet sadly defunct blog..

Continuity : If you like rants filled with swearing.....and who doesn't..then this is the blog for you!

Uzbekistan Idol : A hilarious, and more often than not, violent, look at Uzbekistans No 1 Show..

Bingo Bango Bongo : What do you get if you cross Ostro's, Conty's and My blog??.... This!

Horsing Around the House : Hot on the heels of Uz Idol comes the latest reality tv show. 6 people and a horse with violent tendencies confined in a small house.

'nuff said...

A good musician is hard to keep down. Believe me, I tried to pin Kylie down once, and despite her thin frame, she could still pack quite a punch. But I digress..

Yes many musicians, who are indeed labeled as good, often stay in the public eye for a long time. Those labeled as middling appear fleetingly, and those labeled as shit are heavy metal bands. But the good ones, long after much of their popularity as waned, go on world tours.

But it seems, even the most cash strapped of has-beens all suffer for the same  lack of geographical knowledge, and often leave Australia ( a major continent for those who don't know) out of there so called "World Tours"… But thankfully, one star paid attention at school….

"Who is this man?" I hear you ask?

Well, he's black, hes blind and he's tickled more ivory than a pervert who has a fetish for elephant tusks, yes Stevie Wonder is coming to Australia.. Either that or Ray Charles must be coming.

Ray's last show was described as quite a somber affair and not something for repeat viewing. To be fair it was his funeral, but you would have thought being his farewell gig he would have made more of an effort to address the crowd. He just laid down for all of it. Even James Brown went on tour after he kicked it....Height of unprofessionalism. Speaking of which….back to the story at hand, Stevie Wonder..



"Stevie is touring Australia, and just like heather mills on dancing with the stars, he's already kicked of the first leg........(of his tour..)"

He'll be performing all his hits like "Superstition", "For once in my life" and the several 300 or so songs that don't get played on commercial radio anymore….

But the thing about Stevie's concerts is that, although entertaining when he sings, he falls a little flat in monologues between songs. Namely the humour element….

His jokes don't come out very well... Most are met with only a small giggle, his worst is the one where he comes out on stage and says "Nice to see all of you here"…… that one is only met with some mild nervous laughter….



But i'm sure they dont go for the jokes... If they do, then they have been grossly misinformed as to Stevie's Occupation...

Just remember you can catch Stevie Wonder, and if you do, pin him to the ground until the police arrive, because he is blind, and as such, if left walking alone down the street could come to some harm. Like getting hit by one of those eco friendly cars.

Just like a fart, they're silent but deadly…..potentially anyways….


P.S "I did have another joke, but I couldn't find a way to put it in, plus it was a bit convoluted, but I'll include it here for you now..

"How many blind African American piano playing singers does it take to bake a cake?"

The Answer-
None. One's dead and as such contravenes a huge number of occupational health and safety laws, the others a millionaire, he gets people to bake a cake for him. Im sure being blind does contravene some OHS laws, but only if in a restaurant kitchen. Strict Standards and all that… If you want a cake baked, better of to find someone else. I'm sure Stevie is busy.

Some of you may know that i have been in a long lasting battle with the dickheads at Centrelink. There almost borderline autistic personnel, coupled with their inability to keep track of information has, on many occasions, caused me slight brain hemorrhaging.....And its happened again....

Why must they torture me so......

They sent me a letter saying that i  had not declared my Youth Allowance Payments on my Tax Return.

Now, if this was the case, id be in shit street, but, as is so often with Centrelink, they were completely 100% fucking wrong.

I had not declared it on my tax return, that much is true. The reason? I didn't receive any youth allowance payments for this financial year. Infact, it had been nearly 18 months since i stopped receiving it...

Having had enough of Centrelink's general incompetence, i decided to go in , rectify the situation, and make a complaint...

Gone was "Horey". Obviously a crackdown on illegal immigrants had occurred. Either that or she married an 80 year old man...

Enter Kennen. Love Child of an obese, spastic gorilla and 2 legged Cow, Kennan had all the necessary attributes to work at Centrelink; 2 Necks, cross eyes and as many brain cells as he does teeth.(From limited viewing, this appears to be single figures...)



Just like Kennan, i did not see Eye to Eye with Centrelink (geddit?), and gleefully explained this monumental cock up  to him....

Kennan was flabbergasted at the mistake and offered his sincere apology.
 
Unfortunately an apology from Kennan would not suffice, and partly because i was angry, and partly because i wished to waste Kennan's time, i asked him to make a formal complaint.

A Formal complaint is sent to the Head office, where upon being lost for 5 years, is read by an elderly man with a beard and is lodged in the system. Here they are grouped and are brought to the attention of government representatives... Who then shred them...

An ultimately futile procedure, but, it does add to the level of complaints, and this figure always ends up on Today Tonight, adding to the much public campaign of destroying centrelink.

And that is something very dear to me....

Centrelink 2 - Jimmy - 1

The gap is closing

Now, some of you may, from time to time, here me put in a reference to a long forgotten 80's band, 'Kajagoogoo' and think..."What the fuck is he on about?"

So, allow me to introduce you to Kajagoogoo.....


Okay, yes, i know what your thinking, "James, this is just a picture of a group of sexually deviant peroxide loving Swedish Paedophiles..... these can't be musicians!!"

Yes, they do look, for want of a better descriptive word, 'fucked', but this is the actual current line up of Kajagoogoo. Though quite why a 40 year old has pigtails and a beard (and calls himself "Rocket Boy") remains a distrubing mystery...

------------------------------------------------------------------
An Airport of the southwest coast of England recently posted a vacancy announcement for an Air traffic Controller. The Announcement added that applications were available in Alternative languages, in larger text and Braille..

Gives a whole new meaning to flying blind..





Jokes. They are funny, but boy...Can they be hurtful sometimes. So, i'd like to apologize for all the tasteless, hurtful jokes i've ever said.... So, Slobbery Dan, Gargon, No Neck, Bitch-face, Clag Eye (i forget their real names..), I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that your paticular deformity, whether it be mentally, physically or, in some of the case, socially, made me laugh so much inside that i could have pooed my pants (just a lil bit..)

I mean, i never said these to your face, so you probably never knew you were the but of so many hysterical comments. Whether it was a derogatory nickname, or if you were lucky, a quick impression of you, I'm sorry..... Sorry that you didnt see.... It made me laugh......maybe you would have laughed to... (perhaps after counselling..)

I Deeply regret you never being able to see these comedy masterpieces at their hight........

Nuff Said'..

Someone Working at Centrelink. The Tooth Fairy and Britney Spears wearing Underwear?

What do all these things have in common? - They are all complete flights of fancy..

 Yes, it’s been a while since my last taxing encounter with Centrelink. A new floor plan had… I hoped brought about a new way of doing things…. Unfortunately, the décor is the only improvement that has been made.

 

"Even hell has its own Centrelink....."

A few weeks ago Centrelink has sent me an Earning verifications request form (form C24L if your interested..), to which I complied. I filled it in, and handed in the necessary paperwork…

 

Fast forward one week, and lo and behold I have been sent another form….. This one however, says that I haven’t filled in the earning verifications request form…….. either that or they’ve lost it…

Well Fuck-a-doodle-do….Centrelink are that retarded that they cant keep a track of one form……… Well…that is so shocking that I think I’m going to have a heart attack right now..

 

So….i decided to visit Centrelink and express my disappointment/rage with them….

 

I arrived at 11 am….. A 5-10 minute wait is not out of the ordinary…..Although a 35 minute wait is… I’m pretty sure one of the guys behind the desk was dead…. He wasn’t moving……I don’t even think I saw him blink….although this could have been merely a self defense mechanism to protect him from the drug laddened money grabbers that frequent Centrelink Morley.

"I think i'm going to stop playing 'who shall i kill first in my head' and just go with whatever feels natural"

 

As with my last visit I was served by a middle aged asian woman with a poor grasp of English (or ‘ingwish’) , although it was not ‘Honey’( see' Dickhead Link ')

Im assuming that her temporary visa has expired………

I calmly described my problem to horey (albeit around 6 times) and after she finally understood she began Phase 1 of Centrelink protocol - Typing something into the computer (doesnt really matter what, just type something to confuse customer)

 As ‘Horey’ typed away at the computer she came to the amazing conclusion that...“I waz an aurtomaric retter dat waz fent owt fom hed offrice”

Amazing...a mistake from head office...i would have never in a million years guessed that..

So Horey sent a message to them saying that it was a mistake… I asked if instead of sending a message could she send a letter bomb, but I think she mistook that for humour..

I then left trying calmly not to hit anyone who got in my way. I only narrowly escaped the urge to kill..

 
As ever I await my inevitable return to Centrelink…and…my inevitable revenge on head office..

Since its start, well over 3 months ago, The James Szabo Clinic for incurable retardedness as cured over 400 people suffering from the disease.

Using a mixture of natural remedies and electro shock therapy, we cure the patients of all types of retardedness.

The Clinic, headed by DR. James Szabo (he himself a sufferer), is a revolutionary place, so revolutionary that the world medical boards deemed it immoral.

Due to practises out in place by the Geneva Convention, it is now immoral and inhumane to attach electric leads to patients testicles and to force feed massive doses of Rohypnol........ So with that being the case the world medical boards tried to stop our treatments from going ahead....But we were doing it for the greater good...Thats why we had to go underground

In order to best describe our mission, here is a case example...

Mr Schuit was brought to us suffering severe Violent Retardedness....

This meant that when Mr Scuit couldnt communicate properly, he would start to become very violent. Something that happened quite frequently..

However, the normal treatment wouldn’t be enough, due to his severe disease, and also, his weight...

To ensure the best possible treatment, numerous experiments were tested on substitute ricks. Finally we found a bear that was suitable as a test study, and we could begin to shape our treatment...

Arguably, the bear was smaller than Mr Schuit, but certain liberties had to be taken...

Thankfully, a treatment plan was set in place. 14 whacks to the head, electro shock therapy and a complete body shave to get rid of the excess hair...


After 4 weeks, Mr Schuit came out a different person.

His good friend Matthew had this to say
"Ricko was a different...well....human, i'd guess you call him now.... He was still a miserable c**t, but less retarded. Thanks DR Szabo!!"

No, thankyou....Without Severe cases like Mr Schuit, The Clinic would not be able find new ways of treating "special" patients..

For More information on the clinic, Visit the James Szabo Clinic for Incurable Retardedness.

The BFC blog has a rich history of retardedness…..A history that I am keen to maintain…

 

Due to the lack of posting by the other 2 members of Bingo Bango Bongo, I was left to carry it on as it were….But then I thought…well if this is going to be the case….Why don’t I just re-start the BFC blog….After all BBB was one of the reasons why it ‘ended’…

 

The other was because i was taken hostage, brainwashed and used as a KGB agent to assasinate Steven Segal...But thats a whole other story..

"Under Siege 3??...not on my watch.."

Oh and plus the BFC blog is having its first anniversary...Its turned one..how they grow...

So, the BFC blog is back….but im still going to post on BBB, it just means that I will be able to the stuff I want without shitty putdowns from Rick….

 

The BFC blog….Simple, Stylish and a whole lot more stupider..

Now, you may not know this but I was a bodyguard for the stars. Don’t laugh its true. You may think “he’s little, scrawny and weak”, but within conceals a man of steel.

 

It all started last year when, upon learning that Chuck Norris would be down in Australia, I decided to go and learn from this martial arts master. You know it’s a well known fact that Chuck’s tears can cure cancer, unfortunately though he has never cried in his life.

 

I was taught by Chuck for 3 months, until my cheque bounced and I ran away. But I felt that I was ready to begin the path to greatness….

 

 

Chuck and I a few minutes before he learned the cheque bounced….

 

 

So with my new skills I decided to become a bodyguard to the stars. But you have to start small. I was hired by some schlep of an actor, to protect him from his ‘fans’ (I use that term loosely..) . I have no idea who this guy was…

 

 

Some Schlep…

 

But luckily for me, this guy was so hated that an assassination attempt was made on his life. I had no compulsion to take the bullet for him, so I decided to throw a chair at him, pushing him out of the way of the oncoming bullet. After he regained consciousness he thanked me and said he would pass my name on…

 

Then I got hired by Brad and Angie, and I followed them around for awhile, but the whole thing bored me to death. No assassinations, no kidnappings, just them walking around. So I quit, and I vowed to myself that this would never happen again.

 

Brad and Angelina: No assassinations….just walking….

 

 

I was then hired by George Clooney, and I decided that I wouldn’t even let photographers near him.  I meant business.

 

 

Mate…put the camera down…..mate….dont make me hurt you…

 

I was his bodyguard during the shooting of Ocean’s Twelve. I was out near his limo, when Julia Roberts had to run from the set to her car. An Asian tourist tried to take a photo; needless to say it’s the last photo he’s ever going to take….

 

The Lebanese half turn heel kick was a success.

 

Unfortunately he was taking a shot of his wife across the street, and had no idea who Julia was. To avoid a law suit, I quit and moved back to Australia.  And it was there that I took my last job.

 

My new job would put me in the thick of it, these fans are crazy. The wiggles are in constant danger from slobbering kids and homicidal parents alike. I was in charge of not allowing any one within a 2 metre radius. Its quite easy actually. Kids are so small; you can just kick them away. It made life easy.

 

But then came the arias. Yes the ARIAS. I was there protecting the wiggles from the press, and stopping any questions about Jeff’s illness (narcolepsy) from the paparazzi.

 

Yeah, yeah Mate it’s the Wiggles…….Mate I want to see a security pass….

While Anthony and Murray were eating some food, and Greg was trying to wake Jeff up, I decided to go into the winner’s tent, to look for some more work. It was in there that I met Missy Higgins. We had some words, and a photographer just happened to take a picture of this argument.

 

“Best Artist my ARSE!!!”

 

Now my image was shattered, the Wiggles had to keep up appearances and so had to let me go. Not before I stole the big red car and went for a joyride though…

 

Now I am retired. My bodyguard days are behind me. These day’s I spend time writing children’s fiction (The Elephant man goes to the Plastic Surgeon) and avoiding Chuck Norris. But i am still available for any celebrities (A-list and B-List, no C-lists)....

 

 

 

Ah yes, aside from my regular stint as a para-trooper/brain surgeon, i run a dating agency, called Dating for Schleps , the main office is just above madams ling wings chinese restuarant (the drive through brothel is around the back, just honk twice!)

Yes Dating for schleps caters for all, young, tad older, obese, ugly, foreign, new zealand......all paying kinds accepted!

Only the highest caliber of available hunks and hoes are available......take these two examples...

Roberto is 25 years old. He loves to read books, play online internet games and likes to take long walks, where he can discuss (at length) which one is better : Star Trek or The Next Generation??

He has four cats, two goldfish and a rat named jean luc picard....

Daisy believe it or not is only 24. But an unfortunate skin peel/mud pack incident left her with some facial problems. She still enjoys her modeling career and was on the cover of Vogue( after the incident...). She is looking for a guy, 23-27, who dosent mind travelling, loves a good laugh and is either blind/desperate/both....

So if this hasn't already got your motor humming,then go to this site for some more perfect matches!!

Dating For Schleps Home Page (click on the link to see some perfect matches!!!)

 

 

Today it was hot… I don’t mean “this is slightly uncomfortable” I mean hot as in “ my shoes were melting” kind of hot…..

 

I went out today, into the city. There were department stores there that had the same temperature as Iceland. They must have bloody turbines as their air conditioner. I mean you have to brace yourself when the sliding doors open its that powerful.

 

Aside from the Freezing department store, every where was hot. And I mean Hot. You couldn’t go to the beach because of the highly concentrated uv rays (thanks Ozone!). Death at the beach comes not from drowning, or shark attacks its bloody skin cancer. You get redder than a big bloody tomato.

 

Its so uncomfortable you start to stick to couches.  Your clothes stick to you. Fly’s stick to you. Even those annoying German wind-screen washers start to circle you. The heat is unbearable, but what makes it bearable is the fact that no matter where you are, they’ll always be a Mr. Whippy ice cream van near you……

 

The keyword there is “near". They are never actually where you are.  You can hear them. That annoying jingle. “Dun dun da dun da da dun dun dun da da dun dun dun de dun dun  dun dun ”. They delight in deviousness. You run outside and its either down the street, or on the street running parallel. Its never there.

 

You see kids running back and forth up and down the road, holding their hand to their ears trying to place the exact location of the Mr. Whippy. Bloody ice cream vans.

 

 

“you know an ice cream would go down really well right about now..”

 

Only today I was running down streets trying to find it.. And then that’s when I saw it. I think he saw me, and he decided to turn away from me. Does he actually like selling ice creams? Or is he just so perverted that he likes to see people running after him?

 

 

“Perhaps he didn't see me????"

 

You would need to give chase in a high speed performance tank to stop them. They are unstoppable. Plus they always take backstreets so they can avoid traffic and red lights.  I have the theory that they actually send out phantom trucks.

 

Phantom Trucks are of course unmarked sedans that belt out the Mr. Whippy Jingle around neighborhoods purely to mess people up. Those Bastards.

 

So I say, if you want an ice-cream go to your local corner store and get one. But if you want some soft –served gelati, well I’m afraid your screwed.

 

 

No matter what country, there is a place that makes you wait in lines for hours and give you the wrong forms to fill in.... These places are usually called 'Social Security' or 'Welfare Offices'....in Australia; it’s called 'CENTRELINK'...

I had to visit my local Centrelink today, so I could change some of my details and make sure that I was still getting my youth allowance. Now, this task in itself isn't that complicated, but for some reason the people at Centrelink decided they would ruin my day.

"Morley Centrelink.......iieeeeehhhhhhhh..........dickhead central..."

I had to wait in line for an hour. Things were slowed of course by the computer crashing, so this meant that I had to wait even longer.... Then when I finally get there, the lady gives me a form to sign. She says that she will be there for another half hour, so "when I’m finished, just come up and give me the form.

So, I took the overly complicated form away. I had to put my name, my address, my bank details, my fingerprints, I had to give them a sample of my urine, it was that complicated. After the four hours that it took me to fill out this 389 page form, I had to go and wait in line....again.

It was at this point where I had to gather up all my will power to stop myself from stabbing my own neck with my house keys. It’s a little known fact that when you are pissed off, Centrelink becomes even more annoying. Kids running around, fat people taking up three chairs and munching down some McDonalds. Oh....and let’s not forget the dickhead security guard that wonders around aimlessly with nothing to do.....

"The best kind of vandalism; neatly written and 100% fact".

After I had contained my rage I was called up to the desk. It was of course. a totally different person. So, I had to explain the whole situation again. I was then informed by "Honey" (a woman of Asian decent that had trouble speaking "ingwish") that I had been given the wrong form. I could have snapped. I could have just reached over and smacked her head into the desk repeatedly, but alas, I did not....

 

So after filling in the correct form, I handed it to "Honey" (ahhh.....frank you mista....) and hurriedly ran out of Centrelink.....they have scarred me for life........im too emotional at the moment....because all i wanna do is kILL ALL THE PEOPLE AT CENTRELINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

".........Some day this dream will come true.."

 

 

Now, you may think that this blog is all about me ranting at people I don’t like, and that’s true.

 

Hot on the heels of my recent Anti- Adam Harvey post, I’m turning my comedy flamethrower at Missy Higgins…..

 

Oh, how I hate her. She sounds awful… Her songs are so annoying.

 

I think the reason I hate Missy Higgins (apart from her stupid name..) is her infuriating mix of ocker pronunciation and meaningless lyrics.

 

Looking at her album, entitled ‘The Sound of White’ (for no obvious reason…), there are a number of suspect songs.  One very suspect song is “Scar”….

 

-Suspect Song ‘Scar’ -

 

“..Trying to squeeze through a circle, he tried to cut me so I’d fit. And doesn’t that sound familiar?, doesn’t that hit to close to home?, doesn’t that make you shiver, the way things could have gone?”

 

What the hell does that mean? She asks questions like “doesn’t that sound familiar?”….no it bloody well doesn’t, I don’t know about you, but I haven’t been squeezed though a circle or been cut by some mad man… The only thing that makes me shiver is her voice. Its like two cats screaming.

 

It must be her aussie accent. It really shits me.

 

Take this for example, the final bit of the chorus is “could you leave me with a scar?”, but to the ears (and thanks to Missy’s accent) it sounds like “cud ya louve moi wid ahhh scaaaaaaa? ” oh how it annoys me……

 

Another suspect lyric is “she looked at my insides clicking her tongue and said this will all have to come undone…”, but lets just leave that open to your own interpretation….

 

The film clip has no bearing on any of the words. She is playing at an old piano, and its falling apart while she plays it. What the hell does that mean? Indeed does it mean anything at all?

 

Me thinks the that some one was high when writing this. “You can bathe me in your finest wines but I’ll never give you mine!!”……………. what the hell does that mean.

 

I really don’t know how she has won so many awards…..how?? HOW?????????????

 

Please if you value your sanity, don’t buy “The sound of white”…….come back Adam Harvey!! All is forgiven…..

 

If you don’t believe me then just go and download the song…now we’ll see who’s shithouse…

 

                          

 

(The BFC blog would like to congratulate Miss Higgins on being the first artist to receive the BFC BLOG SHITHOUSE award for 2005!.......)

 

                                          

 

Some of you may be aware that I live in Australia and am Australian. But enough of my life story…

 

I am aware (all this awareness is alarming…) that many of you may not have been to Australia before and that some are deluded enough to think we live in small rural towns and ride kangaroos and Dingoes…….. I can assure you only in remote areas of Tasmania does that still happen….

 

This being the case, I have decided to give you lot a starters guide to Australia. Think a travel guide, but less well informed……

 

Introduction:

Despite Australia being a relatively young nation, we are rich in history, but don’t hold that against us. We are famous for our great bush image, something that has fueled our tourism for a long time… and don’t worry, there are very few people in Australia like Steve Irwin (contrary to popular belief it is not a custom to dangle your baby in front of crocodiles……its dingoes…).

 

We have food, so that’s good. We have stupid politicians and boring towns (I’d avoid Canberra if I was you), just like anywhere else… We are fast becoming the world’s greatest wine producers, so it is no surprise that we get lots of French sissies coming here….

 

Nowhere else in the world sells Kangaroo meat, (except parts of Asia, but one should be careful as it is often substituted for canine meat…), which is a really good thing. It tastes like crap, if the smell doesn’t put you off, the fact that it was probably killed by a dog on a farm, then carved up and packaged might…..

 

Best Places to visit….

 

Go for somewhere like the gold-coast and waste money at Warner Bros Movie World (where the greatest attractions are the Police Academy stunt show and a retard dressed as Batman…).

 

Brisbane is good, but a little boring. Broome is good, full of beaches and camels…. Perth is an excellent choice and is on the worlds most desirable place to live list. (although its ranking escapes me….)

 

Worst Places to visit….

Avoid Glenrowan. Home of famous Australian icon, Bush Ranger Ned Kelly. Perhaps the most boring town in the world. Also avoid anywhere that says “Rolf Harris Museum”, you’ll thank me later….

 

Melbourne and Sydney are beautiful places that should be avoided. Probably because they are over-rated and are very likely places for terrorist attacks.

 

If you wish to visit a place where the weather is variable at all times and where there’s a chance of being blown away, then head to Darwin.

 

Cape town is another bad place. Its not in Australia, I just thought I should mention it….

 

Best times to visit

Summer……well that was easy…oh you want specific information….ok…

 

Well yes summer is the best, that’s when the weather is good, and there are trillions of music festivals everywhere. So be prepared to bring loads of money for the admission costs…

 

Best places to go for food

I can assure you that a McDonalds, K.FC or Subway will pop up about every 600 metres…

 

Oh and Restaurants are always good places to visit too…

 

Things to do…

There are bush walks and all  that crap, but really…who wants to go and eat tasteless dough called ‘DAMPER’ and eat grubs???

 

I suggest seeing the sites, and going to the beach (but beware of shark attacks… and Jehovah witness’s)

 

You could also watch TV, as im sure that you will find loads and loads of American/British shows that we buy and stick on the TV instead of making quality shows our selves….so you won’t ever be homesick..

 

Crime

This is a problem, drive by shootings have increased alarmingly, with the whole of Queensland being put under Marshall law recently….just kidding… nah, except for some racially motivated violence and riots, Australia is a safe country……perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that…

 

By the way, if you are of Lebanese, Muslim or Asian descent, It would be wiser to go to New Zealand for awhile..

 

Key Terms

G’DAY MATE – Good Day Sir/Madam..

SHEILA – a woman….

BLOKE- a man….

JIMBAROO – A word that is used to take the piss out of tourists and to confuse them, for example when tourists ask something like for instance, “have you got a toilet?”, the Australian will stare, then the tourist will  go and point at the toilet, and the aussies will say “uhh…..toilet…nah….in OZ We call ‘em Jimbaroo’s!” Later on the tourist will start referring to toilets as Jimbaroo’s and be humiliated…it’s a long drawn out process, but extremely worthwhile..

JABAWOCKIE – No one actually knows what this word truly means….

TINNIE – Can of beer.

STRUTH – ‘bloody hell’ or ‘your joking…..’

‘STONE THE FLAMING CROWS’ – Only used by Alf Stewart off ‘Home and Away’, avoid using it as you will look like a dickhead…

‘SHIVER ME TIMBERS’ – This phrase isn’t Australian, although I thought it would be funny…

 

How to get there

A plane or a boat. Or if you are interested in staying for a long time you can fork out $35 000 to be cramped in a boat with hundreds of other people for three months and travel to Australia without having to go through customs. This also includes a minimum 3 year stay at a detention centre while you wait for your permanent residence visa  application to be rejected…

 

Music

Be warned, Australian music is a fickle thing. It can produce quality bands, and some awful bands. Some really awful bands. Speaking of which, the nauseating Missy Higgins is from Australia and should be avoided at all costs. Her album comes with the sticker that says “Hearing Protection to be worn’….

 

For quality music see bands like JET, which have been likened to the Rolling Stones . But if you like your music to be like cats screaming, then by all means listen to Missy…

 

Films

We have films, like WOLF CREEK which depicts the murders of tourists in the outback…. Hmm… maybe not…

 

Also we have other films so arty and boring that you wished you were being murdered in the outback…

 

So with this basic guide, I hope that you see Australia in a whole new light….

 

(The BFC Blog would like to remind people that this guide should not be taken literally, and if done so could result in a lengthy prison sentence….for me…. The BFC blog refuses to Apologize to Missy Higgins, who deserves everything she gets…)

You may, or may not have heard of a country singer called Adam Harvey. He’s Australian. Okay enough of the life story, lets get down to business….

 

This dude, Adam Harvey is responsible for producing, what could be, the worst and most stupidest song ever..  Don’t believe me? You soon will….

 

This crime against humanity can be found on his new album, entitled Can’t settle for less…. The track in question is called, “God made beer…”.

 

Bloody hell, and if listening to this crapola song isn’t enough, the film clip is worst. It’s one of those ones were he’s in a country pub, drinking beer with, it seems every farmer within a 200 km radius.

 

They’re all having the time of their lives with Mr. Harvey strumming away on his guitar (the most unrealistic strumming, which seems to imply that the whole song is made up of entirely one note..)and then comes the chorus, “everybody… that’s why God mad Beer!!!”, cue laughing from toothless, bearded farmers…. Its enough to drive a sane person crazy...

 

I could go on and on, and I will.

 

This whole song was poorly thought out. While it may have looked good on paper (although I highly doubt it..)it doesn’t translate to the audio and visual medium successfully.

 

Its one of those novelty songs, and given the track record of these types of songs, one can imagine why he even bothered. It seems the only successful novelty song was “Shaddup ya face!” by some foreign bloke or other…, and given that this is now hated, the mind boggles why he made it at all….

 

God made beer…GOD made beer?, I don’t think so….this song is entirely crap….imagine in an alternate universe, ol’ Adam’s sitting in the pub, thinking “yeah that’s a good idea”, and then after he’s sobered up “nah…what was I thinking….hell no…”

 

One can only dream. But lets not be too harsh on him, perhaps it was just an accident. Then again…..

 

To donate to the BAD HAT! fund (Ban Adam ‘Dumbass’ Harvey’s Album Today! fund) Contact your local bank, and deposit donations into my Swiss bank account…

 

Adam Harvey “Can’t settle for less” is available from  most music stores and online, so what ever you do, be wary..

 

Thank you for your time…

 

Sir James Szabo k.f.c …

 

 

(With apologies to Adam Harvey, these are just jokes, and I do not want my opinions to be taken seriously…phew that’s covering my ass….Thanks to Rick over at Continuity for unknowingly allowing himself to be used as a double for Adam Harvey and  Thanks to Matt  at Ostrobogulous for helping with the whole Adam Harvey/ Rick Schuit doppelganger idea… )

I’ve always been an accident prone person. Always…

 

Like the time I was playing chasy with my sister and brother, and I decided to run into the house. I saw my mother in the front room through the door frame. I took a running leap, and BAM ran into the glass sliding door. Its amazing how good Windex is..

 

I bounced off back onto the floor, lying on the pavement in a mixture of shock, pain and humility. Everyone was laughing like mad, buttheads…..

 

This is all true, but the list goes on…

 

Burns….don’t get me started….I’ve burnt my ass, my nose….even my stomach while I was making tea and the kettle fell and…painful….painful memories…

 

My ass hurt the most….on a fire…..im surprised I don’t have the brand name of the fireplace imprinted on my butt cheeks…you laugh but it was agony….even more painful when my classmates found out….

 

As for my nose, that was a stupid mistake, I was young. The iron was on and I (being small) leaned up onto the ironing board and the iron just fell on me. It wasn’t painful at first, I was unaware until my nephew kindly said “what did you do to your nose??”, and I rushed into the bathroom to see my nose had a strip of skin taken away, and that’s when the pain kicked in…..

 

Let see I’ve been smacked in the head with a wooden cricket bat by my sister Sophie, which may or may not have caused a seizure…

 

Hmm…I’ve impaled myself on a sharp tree stump (don’t ask..). I’ve had my foot trapped under a car wheel while it was reversing (and I was in the car with my seatbelt on at the time, so I had to rip it off and through myself out…it looked cool, well it would have had I not been screaming “MUM!! MUMMMMM!!!!!!”….)

 

Ah yes, there was one, one weird thing that proves that I am truly the master of accidents… I was young, and my sister was taking me out to somewhere (the details escape me) and I took along some textas to draw with. It was Night, and I managed to drop one, but couldn’t find it. Anyway I left and had a great time. Then when I came back, I managed to find it. I stepped on it and fell headfirst onto brick paving. I mean c’mon…I had a scab over my eye…..it was all puffy and…..yeasshhhhhhhh….

 

Oh yes….when I was playing basketball with my bro, I took a running slam dunk, but managed to not let go of the ring…

my body went vertical, yet still somehow managed to go forward. This resulted in me falling onto the pavement (I seem to have an affinity with the stuff..) on my side…

 

Yes, numerous leg, head and arse injuries have happened to me…but there was one that could have ended up worse than it turned out…

 

Picture if you will, a playset. One with one of those wooden bouncy bridge things. Well my nephews, sister and I were playing a variation of dodge ball on it. We would stand at either ends, someone would throw a tennis ball and you would have to run to the other side without getting hit. Well I preceded to run to the other side at high speed, but I tripped and went flying. Now the bridge is suspended in the air, I dare say a metre and there was a pole, one of those firemen ones straight in the middle of the exit. Anyway I went flying through the exit, yet managed amazingly not to clip the pole. But I landed nearly on my head. I thought  I had broken my neck  But as it turned out I was fine, albeit a little bruised and shaken….

 

My unluckiness has even caused other peoples property to suffer. I managed to crash my sisters car into a pole, causing a large dent, actually the whole radiator was bent. I was 15….it wasn’t like a joy ride or anything, she was in the car, she let me drive it up the road, the pole was never really planned…

 

Oh and countless more forgettable instances were my stupidity has caused injuries. (I saw Rumble in the Bronx when I was young and decided I was a ninja, I did a spinning kick, banged my head on the doorframe and fell on my butt….)

 

But what can I say, I’ve never had any serious injuries, just stupid ones. I haven’t had any broken bones, just a bruised ego….ah well. I’m sure I’ve had more accidents, and I know I will have in the future but thems the breaks…

 

 “Never Underestimate the predictability of stupidity…”

 

After the success of the first entry to the BFC Encyclopedia, here is yet another….

 

 

BFC’s Encyclopedia of Crap Knowledge

 

-Music History – Laughable Bands and/or musicians

 

--The Nova’s – Quick Facts…

 

 About the Nova’s

 

The Nova’s were Jonnie, Ronnie, Donnie and Derrick.

 

You may ask, where the band name, The Nova’s came from? It was because they likened themselves to modern day Casanova’s. Their first album entitled ‘Dream on’, is rather fitting in this case…..

 

The were all black, except one, its true, he was dwarf, but nobody noticed he wasn’t white cause all they could think about was him being a dwarf…

 

The Dance Movements

 

They were criticized for not dancing on stage, but this was because they were s***house dancers and two of them were involved in a car accident and both had to have their knees removed, making their dancing quite stilted and unfashionable…

 

So, that’s why they Hand jived to every song. Their now trademark moves, were unfortunately, ill-advised.

 

The lead singer Jonnie had picked up a book on hand movements and decided to choreograph the band from that. Surprisingly (although it explains a lot) Jonnie, the song writer was illiterate and could not read what the movements meant.

 

So, little did they realize, that they were always insulting every deaf person watching….Mind you they also insulted every person who could hear as well…

 

 The Fall and Rise and Fall of the Nova’s

 

After the disaster of their second album, ‘The Voices in my Head…’ The Record company (Ruckin Moosic Worldwide), sort about finding a new member for the group. After it was announced, they received simply dozens of entries, which were fed into a very sophisticated and futuristic piece of technology, the Historetic Auto – Selecting Tatriculator (HAT), and the winning person was whipped out and announced. The winner was 9 year old Puffy McBark, a young Scottish girl (who was also mute and without hands…) and she provided the success they needed to enter the top 500 the next year…

 

 

“The Nova’s popularity was not helped by poor photography on their albums..”

 

 

With their third, and final Album ‘Inoffensive Water.. .’ they went for an electronic feel. Their main hit (coming in at 479 in the top 500) ‘Bippety boppity boop…’ was synthesized, and all of their vocals were treated with a ring modulator. Unfortunately this rendered their vocals unrecognizable, something that, with hindsight probably worked in their favour…

 

In 1987 the band ended when Derrick decided to murder all of the band members, thus rendering the future idea of a reunion obsolete….

 

In early 1988, Derrick pleaded insanity at the court hearing and now resides in Sunny Wood Mental Hospital.

 

BFC EDITORS NOTE: About 6 minutes after i posted this i found out that there was an actual band called "The Nova's"...they were white...this was an accident and there are no similarities (apart from the name) in this post...